Triangulation: The Manipulation Tactic That Ruins Lives
Suppose the word family sends chills down your spine. In that case, you may have dealt with toxic family members who seem to take joy in creating chaos, being mean-spirited, or contributing to your traumatic experiences in some way, shape, or form. I can relate—I, too, have come to cringe at the word, thanks to certain family members who uniquely excel at tarnishing my reputation to feel superior and maintain a strange, false sense of control over me.
My Personal Experience with Family Manipulation
When I turned 18 and started earning money, I made it a point to contribute to my household, mainly to help my grandparents. Whether it was buying things I thought they'd benefit from or offering assistance whenever they needed it, I was eager to pitch in because I genuinely wanted to give back to them as a way to say thanks, show my love, and offer my support. However, some jealous relatives decided to twist my intentions and told my grandmother that my actions weren't out of kindness but rather an attempt to control her through my financial support.
After one instance, my grandmother started lashing out at me and accusing me of trying to manipulate her with money.
It broke my heart.
I was always taught that it's important to give back, especially since my grandparents took me in after my mother passed away. I had to have a difficult conversation to clear the air and assure her that my intentions were pure. But I made it clear: if she felt that way, I would no longer provide financial support to the family.
Fast forward almost 10 years, and the irony sets in. The same relatives who accused me of "control" are now spreading hateful rhetoric, insisting that I, as a 28-year-old grandchild, should be solely responsible for caring for my grandparents. Meanwhile, these same individuals—well over 50, who have their own homes with unoccupied bedrooms, a stable 401k, take lavish trips each year, and are financially stable, should be absolved from any responsibility for their own mother's care.
The Reality of Triangulation
Manipulative people often use tactics to turn others against their targets, making the target appear inferior while boosting their own reputation. Many of us like to believe we're immune to manipulation, that we'd see right through it. But the truth is, manipulation is subtle, anyone can use their their likeness, their good reputation, how society as a whole perceives them, and so forth, to sway others, and often, we're not as reflective or critical as we think to spot their intention in time.
One common tactic manipulators use is triangulation.
There’s no short of strategies to use for them to get what they want. One of these tactics is called triangulation, a common tactic used to undermine someone's social standing for the benefit of someone else.
What is Triangulation?
According to Simply Psychology, triangulation is
"a form of manipulation used to exploit an interaction between two people who are not communicating directly. This creates misunderstandings and conflicts, often serving as a manipulative strategy to control or gain power."
While we like to think we'd recognize manipulation, the reality is that people use strengths—like charm, reputation, or societal perception—as anchors for their deceit. These tactics are often more effective than we'd expect.
What Does Triangulation Look Like?
Here's an example from the Center of Excellence:
"Consider a scenario in a workplace where a manager tells one employee that another is underperforming, then tells the underperforming employee that the first employee is out to get their job. This creates tension and competition between the employees, distracting them from the manager's inadequacies."
In family or social situations, triangulation can look like one person pitting relatives or friends against each other by sharing selective, false, or exaggerated information. This not only disrupts relationships but shifts focus away from the manipulator's own flaws.
The Toll of Triangulation
Triangulation can severely damage healthy relationships. Whether in families, friendships, or workplaces, it creates unnecessary drama, breaks trust, and leaves lasting scars. Think about your own life: Have you ever experienced a situation where peace was disrupted by one person stirring the pot? How many of those relationships survived the chaos?
What to Do if You're a Victim of Triangulation
If you suspect someone is using triangulation against you, it's crucial to act quickly:
* Address misunderstandings directly: Speak to the other person involved without the manipulator present. Open, honest communication can clear up confusion.
* Set boundaries: Limit the manipulator's influence over your interactions.
* Seek support: If the situation becomes overwhelming, don't hesitate to turn to trusted friends, mentors, or professionals for advice.
Recognizing manipulation is the first step toward protecting your peace. Remember, toxic tactics like triangulation only succeed when we allow them to disrupt our lives. Stay vigilant, reflect critically, and stand firm against manipulation.